Stephanie Louise Smith

Can Someone Get Me A Cupcake, Please?

Him.

And one more thing… Because there’s always one more thing…

It’s different this time in so many ways. I don’t know why.

I’d love to tell you that it was because it was genuine and that for the first time my fear of loneliness wasn’t guiding my hurt. But I don’t know.
I’d love to tell you that it’s because I know he’ll be back one day. But I don’t.
I’d love to tell you that it’s because I know there’s better out there. But I’m not sure that I believe that either.

I don’t know if this was more real or everything in the past was. All I know is that it’s all different and I think and of him and feel sad, lonely, and empty, but the world keeps turning.

I’m not talking endlessly to my friends about it.
I’m not thinking of him and constantly bursting into tears and panicking at being alone.
I’m not shutting down.
I’m not writing stories about him.
I’m not trying to drink it away.
I’m not lying in bed, paralysed with fear.
I’m not thinking about who the next guy I could date might be. In fact, I got asked out yesterday and I was more uninterested than I can ever remember being. I wasn’t sad or dramatic, I was just done.
I’m not selling the drama and writing you endless blog posts about how hurt I am in the hope that he’ll read them and so that you all know how much I’ve been through and how it must’ve been real.
I’m not giving him some dumb nickname.
I’m not making excuses for what happened and rationalising how many ways I could forgive him if he came back.
I’m not stuck on how this means I’ll be alone and I’ll never have anyone else.
I’m not obsessed with the idea of meeting someone new or making lists in my head of all the reasons I should hate him.
I’m not fixating on how unfair it all is and how romantic it would be if if if…

I’m not doing the things I usually do. And I don’t know.

I miss his smile. His dimples. His laugh. I miss his presence. I miss how I feel when he’s around. I miss listening to his stories. The way he tells the same ones over and over but it doesn’t bother me. The way I told him who I really was and he listened. He smiled. I miss the way his eyes meet mine and it all stops for a little while and calms down so that I can breathe. I miss him.

And I don’t know what any of that means or why it feels different or why this time, when this time above all others it feels like I should stop, I’m still going. I’m still getting through the day and doing the things that will make me feel better. I’m not crying, I’m not letting myself be sad, I’m not locked away in my house when there is a whole world out there and experiences waiting to happen.

It’s different. And I don’t know.

One Step Closer. I Hope.

Today was the biggest challenge so far in the ten days of this Whole30, and the sort of day where in the last eighteen months I would’ve skipped training and chosen to eat my feelings instead. When I think back to when this behaviour started I realise, it was pretty much about the time I returned from Dubai. And we all know what happened when I returned from Dubai…

I don’t want this to be like that. I want it to stop feeling like such a struggle. So today, even though so much went wrong and there was so much room to cheat, I stayed on track.

I’m as amazed as you are. I even have portabello mushrooms baking away to use as a hamburger base for my dinner. So good!

Made it to training but was too late for the wod so I ran through the strength and skills instead. Mostly I was just happy to not skip training altogether. We’re doing so much work on my pull-ups right now (strict and kipping, chin and C2B) because they are my absolute weakest of weaknesses. Matty and I have set a goal to be able to tick off every variation there is in three months. I wonder if we’re aiming too high…?

Day 11 tomorrow. Meals are prepped and ready, training is locked in, and I got this. Right?

Guess I’m feeling it tonight. It’s nearly 2am and despite feeling all day like I could fall immediately into a come-like slumber, now that night is well and truly here I can’t drift off.

A million thoughts are racing through my mind: Was it real? How will I get through everything that needs doing tomorrow? When will the work I’m putting in start to pay off and give me the freedom to pursue another avenue? Will I ever see him again? What became of that friendship that I thought would last forever? Has he thought of me at all? How many lessons could one person possibly need to learn?

There’s too much happening in my brain and I doubt I’ll sleep at all tonight. I guess those black circles will be getting darker before things start to get better…

Guess I’m feeling it tonight. It’s nearly 2am and despite feeling all day like I could fall immediately into a come-like slumber, now that night is well and truly here I can’t drift off.

A million thoughts are racing through my mind: Was it real? How will I get through everything that needs doing tomorrow? When will the work I’m putting in start to pay off and give me the freedom to pursue another avenue? Will I ever see him again? What became of that friendship that I thought would last forever? Has he thought of me at all? How many lessons could one person possibly need to learn?

There’s too much happening in my brain and I doubt I’ll sleep at all tonight. I guess those black circles will be getting darker before things start to get better…

Meh. Ugh. Blergh.

Today was looking like being a total fail day with the way that work was kicking me while down. The girls at work and my dear Canadian friend, Kristina, all gave me pep talks on getting to training though, so this afternoon after a nap and a timeout I somehow got there.

Gotta be honest, was thinking of quitting on my Whole30 before I got to training. Once there though the coach and B were both there with encouraging words (how did they know??), so by some miracle I’m still on track tonight.

Was nice to see some familiar faces back in the gym after their extended breaks, including this guy. Look how black the circles under my eyes are…

Let’s hope this keeps up tomorrow for Day 10.

Oh, and massive thanks to everyone who grabbed the new book. Couldn’t be happier with the way the downloads have gone x

Telling me I’m not allowed to be sad because there are other people out there who have it worse is like telling me I can’t be happy because other people have it better

Not known to me but it’s too profound not to share :)

Yes.

(Source: mirror, via ohhellojane)