I went this morning, but before we get to that I have a confession to make.
I cheated. Last night. On myself.
I’ve been doing so good. Strict paleo, getting out heaps, meeting new people - yes it really has only been a week and I’m forcing myself to act like I’m at the two month mark. I make sure I’m out each evening, I surround myself with people who make me laugh so I can feed off that positivity, I make plans to do exciting things, and I throw myself into my writing/marketing with a vigour I’ve never known before.
In every way I am doing everything I possibly can to not let this drown me like I know it could. Like I know it has.
Then last night.
Oh last night! Why why why?!?! (Too dramatic?)
I was on my way home after sitting sober while my friends drank around me. Driving home alone after the cute man who made eyes and smiled at me for two hours across the bar didn’t even come over and say hello (in his defense he was there with THE ex. Yes. The almost husband). The loneliness crashed into me like a wave. Suddenly I missed him so much (not talking about The Almost Husband or the guy at the bar anymore. Obviously) and it hurt and I wanted to cry for the first time all week. I felt the hurt slam me and I lost my motivation. Went into the shop to buy dog food for the puppies and came out with Ben & Jerry’s for me. It was delicious. My dogs were not impressed.
There was so much guilt though. And stomach pain. Two weeks ago I could’ve smashed that whole thing without stopping for a breath, but last night I didn’t even make it halfway through before my body started getting really angry at me. It went in the bin.
So, instead of today being Day 13, today is a normal day for me, a day where I’ll stick to paleo as much as I can but will also acknowledge that I can’t hide the hurt forever and occasionally it will win. I’m not sure if I’ll start the official count again - going back to day one would feel a little like having a root canal without anaesthetic after making it so far - but September is only a day or two away. I feel motivated to return to paleo and I’ll do all I can to stick with it through this slightly rocky time.
To ensure last night didn’t progress any further into rapid downward cycling I went to bed relatively early and never even allowed myself to contemplate missing training this morning.
Up there is the wod I got done. The gym was full of newbies this morning and no Z, so I was partnerless. Story of my life, right? Matty helped out with the ring dips and thrusters, but the farmers carry was all me. Was a little surprised to make it through 9 rounds with a 30kg thruster, but when you’re angry with yourself it’s easy to self-inflict pain. Maybe I even deserved it.
Got to the end and felt like there should’ve been more, but I’d moved as fast as I could through it and done the set weight on the thrusters and farmers carry. Maybe I’ll go for a run or do a wod at home this afternoon. Then again maybe I’ll just lay on the couch watching shows I’ve downloaded and hiding from the world.
Not sure if this is the gross phase finally hit or if I’m suffering for my binge last night. Maybe it’s just that it’s a rainy, overcast Saturday in the tropics so nothing seems as warm and bright as it should; either way I’m feeling it today. I’m feeling the gap in my life where he should usually be and I’m feeling how even though I’m spending my time with good people and I’m laughing as much as I can, it’s not the same as if it were with him. I wonder how long that will take to pass…? I wonder if he’s even thought of me at all and it makes me hate myself a little.
Next weekend my Saturday will look like this:
I’ll train all week, I’ll be as healthy as I can, I’ll get as much sleep as possible, and I’ll keep reminding myself that it will get easier. Baby steps on the journey. Then next weekend I’ll hang out with all my crossfit peeps who make me laugh and smile so much and all of this will hopefully distract me enough that I won’t have to keep reminding myself why it is I need to forget him.