Stephanie Louise Smith

Can Someone Get Me A Cupcake, Please?

And then Big Red calls and suddenly I understand what it is that I was supposed to take from this weekend.

Don’t settle. Not now. Not ever. Be someone’s everything or nothing.

Never would’ve thought it would be Big Red who would have to spell that out for me. Universe, I’m hearing you loud and clear now.

So happy he called. Clarity. And no more rabbits. ;-)

Down The Rabbithole…

I’m Alice. Welcome to Wonderland.

The universe (or whatever higher being it might be that you believe in) has a strange way of throwing signs and lessons in our path regardless of whether or not we want to see them or play any part in experiencing them. Sometimes it’s a white rabbit in a waistcoat running-along mumbling at the time on his pocket-watch and forming such a peculiar sight that you simply have to follow it. Sometimes it’s three ‘almost boyfriends’ all reappearing in the one weekend (and when you are still trying to heal from the hurt of the last one) that makes you sit up and re-evaluate the choices you’re currently making. The problem with all these signs is that for the most part we only see what we want to see and the true meaning can easily be hidden as we search for what it is we think we want most.

And so the journey began…

Last night that person who had been missing from my life for four weeks extended an olive branch. A simple message checking in, seeing if I was doing okay, wanting to know that the world was feeling a little brighter for me…

What do you say? Do you lie and say, ‘Absolutely! I’m great!’ Or do you put yourself out there again - as always clutching to that hope that things will be different - and admit that things aren’t okay; you still miss them like crazy and think their decision-making skills need further development and their contacting you in such a manner is just further evidence that they made the wrong decision. Or do you come out raining down fire and brimstone and yelling at them to leave you the hell alone?

What do you do?!

What I learned from that text exchange was that I’m not ready to go back to being friends. There’s still too much hurt, too much anger, and I’m not ready to accept that the path he’s on is the right one. Makes it obvious that it’s too soon to heal a friendship, correct?

But things are never as they seem in Wonderland and a quick trip down the rabbit hole can quickly turn into a tea party with unexpected guests and quirky characters…

The text exchange got my already overactive brain going into hyper-drive and then who should ring but Big Red. Lost in his own Wonderland for months and months, the former white rabbit reappeared and reminded we what happens when you unquestioningly chase after someone who has their own agenda and timeline. This time, rather than him being chased, it was like having a conversation while Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter tried to put a finger on what it is about this Alice that was different to the other Alice he knew.

Cue Stephanie’s montage of her former trip down the rabbithole.

This afternoon The Sasquatch rang, and while the Queen of Hearts metaphorically chased me screaming, “Off with her head!” I sat down and gave up. The trifecta have all reappeared and confirmed their attendance at the party in a single weekend and I am done. Done.

There’s a message in all of this but for the life of me I can’t work out what it is. The mystical Jabberwocky is clearly still alive, living large, and requires slaying.

So what do I know?

I know is that with Big Red’s phone call I was able to see clearly the differences between that and this, and how much more this man means compared to the past. This Alice is very much a different Alice to the last one he encountered and is strong enough to stick to her guns.

I know that with The Sasquatch turning up for roll call it was apparent how much I’d learned and what mistakes I wasn’t prepared to repeat. And again, how organic and genuine this one was. Of the two queens there was really only one who had a believable interest in ensuring Alice was okay and the knowledge that it was that one that is missing made it hard to engage in a polite conversation with the red queen, I mean Sasquatch.

Now, with the latest man disappearing once again into the sunset I feel as lost as I did four weeks ago. I know he has to have one or the other. I know that friendship won’t work yet. I know that there is no room here for mistakes or excuses or rationalising bad behaviour. I know that unlike the others there isn’t a selfish motive, we simply got caught in a tricky situation.

That’s it. That’s all I have.

I know I still can’t force his hand or make him pick me, but I know I also can’t let him have the best of both worlds. He may have all of me or none of me. There will be no in between. Alice is smarter and stronger than when she first found herself in Wonderland and unwilling to make the same mistakes regardless of how much this man means to her.

So how come it still feels like the Jabberwocky is out there waiting to get me and this journey isn’t over yet…? What am I missing in all this…?

It’s been four weeks today. Four. Weeks.

Heart! Heal faster! That’s an order!

Okay, well hopefully that fixed it.

Conned some of the fellas into joining me for the wod this morning. Only problem: even number of them and no Z to be seen…

My fun end-of-week partner wod became a solo effort. Legs aching. Body grateful for tomorrow’s rest day.

Now, off to babysit a six month old. That’s easy, right???

Two hours of trail walking away from the world to round the working week out.

Okay. My muscles are tired now. Maybe three sessions in one day really was too much now that I’m not 20 anymore…

Partner session at CrossFit tomorrow and that’s the week of training done.